I spent last night at our first ‘Good Bits’ at Hares and Hyenas. I was thoroughly entertained by a different take on Twilight (Thomas Caldwell), an inventory of men (Róisín Dearg), an exquisite corpse (Aimee Nichols), a fantasy in poetic form (Randall Stephens) and a ‘Menage a ten’ (Paul Whelan).

The folk who turned up were merry and took part in a ‘worst sex scene’ competition. For a bottle of wine, they wrote down bad, funny, inte. I think some of them were true.

I sat down with a cupcake and enjoyed the second half – fiery and funny poems (Koraly Dimitriadis), insect love (Ana Malcolm), sexual frustration (Van Roberts) and it was all topped off with a spoken word performance (Dosh Luckwell).

All the money raised is going to help me with my first book – the countdown begins!

Of course you want to know the worst sex scenes – or you can send me your own. You naughty thing, enjoy.

‘Her bearded clam opened at the insistent thrust of his throbbing sea cucumber, drenching him in the milky seawater of her womanhood.’

‘A heterosexual man said this to a heterosexual lady whilst they were banging – ‘stop grabbing my tits, you lesbian’ 😦

‘You’ve ruined my ass.’

“Stefan’s bratwurst was not the processed sausage Maud was used to. ‘Fill me!’ she begged. Make me the batter in a Dagwood dog!’

‘He exploded in me like an overripe melon.’

‘Her nipples were harder than Chinese algebra.’

‘Careful, you’ll knock the scab off my new tattoo’ – on closer inspection it was a tattoo bust of Britney Spears. Big time deal breaker.

‘Oi, my ass is so hungry!’